martes, 2 de agosto de 2011


I met again a woman who annoyed me at the pool the other day. She persisted in being too friendly, we initially interacted because our kids were swimming together. This woman kept on coming over, by dint of persistent questioning she learned our names and what we did that afternoon. she annoyed me because she kept on complaining about her daughter's father in front of her daughter and just was kind of draining and offputting. They share their kid as many ex-couples do. she just seemed a mix of too naive and too bitter at the same time.  Every grudging remark I ladled out got treated like something so wise.  When... I was just trying to think of mellow things to say about life or her ex, or parenting.  Despite all evasion tactics, no luck.

So...... I bumped into her and her beautiful curly headed kid again at the Seward  co-op.  I said "hey" my kids shared their snacks with her kids outside as I grabbed a book to go to the park.   Then... who did I see a few min later ( after we had said " see ya round again I'm sure".   Mom and kid coming over.

And... who had a great time playing racing princesses around the park for hours? My two kids and her child. And ... who had an interesting time talking with someone who is smart and articulate and has social skills when relaxed.  Me and this person whom I am keeping anonymous ;)   I said to myself
" hey, I might as well be friendly since she is here .. etc" . (Actually I think I said to myself something like " I'll just try to pretend to be someone who can talk to anyone".)   And then we had a really good conversation.  It turns out she has MS. ( One reason for odd body language, and occasional odd intonation that just added to putting me off initially).  And a whole other set of unique good and bad-  life things going on that make her who she is.

So this post is half about me, realization of how judgmental and perhaps unkind I am sometimes. Blinders up keep away the "non-essential to my life" people who suck up our time, but they also keep out the world.

Out of the pool, in a different context with more knowledge of who she is ( lol. gained by a long conversation that was genuine) made my day glitter.  There are so many days without insight, let's call them facetless.  like rock. And then those tiny sparks that come to you in many different ways that make your day special.  stub yr toe on a diamond..

So be good to yourself and others and there are rewards. Love, compassion and empathy. Truth is found in following what's prescribed.... the old paths are good paths. ( Which we all know in our deep bones... but have heard too often and tangentally at that often  for it to be a "discovered" truth..  perhaps).  Discovery is shiny.

( lol- Aaron just said Marie said " Daddy.. will you help me swim? My body won't let me do it".  this is from a kid who is a fish. She can swim half the length of the pool and does flips etc and is constantly diving.  So he put her head down and she said " thank you, ah now I can do it", with much relief. This kind of thing happens from time to time, her body is just blocked or her words are blocked when she wants to do or say something).

She is so strange and wonderful.  We are currently doing an audio OT treatment ( listening to audio frequencies with headphones while doing physical activities) with her.   It's very intense: two times a day for 2 weeks and she gets wacky doing it.  You can visibly tell things are just getting stirred around in there.

Love for everything that a person loves is wonderful.  But so different from love for your children. All other things I can think of I love for reasons that drew me to that person or thing. But love for your kids is so automatic, you love first then find the reasons. So with M I love her consistent unique wackyness, her tenderness, I love understanding her and sharing in her world.   Go momhood! It gives a lot whilst draining and driving you nuts... 

Goodnight or good morning mom! whenever you read this.   !

viernes, 20 de mayo de 2011

Marie's story

  At the beginning of the party June and me were running, running. I was running first. Then June. So I ran toward the wicked witch, because I couldn't see her because she was invisible.  Then after I met her June came running. And we ran from her but she changed us into goons anyway.

But we used our magic to change ourselves back to princesses and back to ourselves. There was less magic in us after that. Because it takes a lot of magic to change yourself back into a human.

Then we rided a rollercoaster. June heard a little soudn like this "squeak, squeak squeak". The princess mice were as big as a baby rat.  ....... the mice scurried and scurried.

    And what did I see? Something fancy hanging down.
"oh!" said somebody.
"just run, run, run, run!"

GRRRRRR  (animal growling)

One strong bear came. And the bear ran, ran, ran.  But they were faster.
"where did they go?" the bear said.
     The bear was left behind. The bear was SO frustrated!  It was a tiny bear.  Even smaller than Marie and June.  It tried to run always but it couldn't even really run at all.  It was always left behind.
Then "what did I see?"  said the bear.  It was the flash of a white hoof.  It was Flapjack!  "Look at all the remains of a party I see!" Flapjack was so excited and enjoyed playing with all the fancy things.

    It was so fun of a party that the house was starting to lift off.

    I saw the moon below us! How exciting to go over the moon !!  We were just good then and about to go to sleep but we didn't because it was a very long party. Until finally we slept and the next day we finished up the party.
    There were left over things from the party, there were necklaces...  So Marie and June trotted off. Into the dark night to the Amasan Parade.  Actually its the Amasan Circus, but they call it a parade.
(musical noises)  a horn!  (different musical noises) a trombone!  Then the train came (choo, choo noises).
    What a beautiful day! Marie and June stayed there and helped the parade and then they were done.

Just then the wicked witch heard about the party and came rushing to the party, " What are you doing?! These fancy things you can't have!"  The party was full of fancy things, but not food.

"Time to eat now", (very sweetly) said Marie,  " I made a dinner all out of candy".
"Cake time everybody!" said Marie and brought out the cake.

Just then they saw Flapjack putting little decoration necklaces on the ceiling.  And everybody said.
" Wee hoo!"

Then everybody said " A story is coming, a story is coming. That is good.  Good good."

It's a huge party. Everybody was coming. Sneaky Teek, Toby and Clara. And Anna too. And Marin and Bitner. Dale and Paul came from across the street.  And then we played pin the tail on the donkey and it was a very princess party.
   "oh good, Skippy Jon Jones is coming, and his sisters!"
"oh good! Mama Junebug Jones is coming too".

"Fly, fly fly!"
"Peeka boo, peeka boo, peeka boo".  That's just somebody playing peek a boo. Then they all went to the beach.
     And princesses came and put presents by the bags.  Apples, and all kinds of things.
One princess was named Marie. One princess was named Juniper. One princess was named Jump. One princess was named Flower. One princess was named Purple. One princess was named "Come to me". One princess was named Pretty.  One princess was named Mama. One princess was named Rainbow. One princess was named Princess McGurkess. One princess was named Rain. One princess was named Stripe. One princess was named Goldilocks. One princess was named Swirl. One princess was named "Pink and purple".  One princess was named "Green and yellow".  One princess was named "Come to me my darling". One princess was named " Pink & purple and green& yellow and red & orange and blue".   One princess was named "M-marie".  One princess was named "Swirly, swirly".  One princess was named "Writing".  One princess was named "Time to go",  and one princess was named "Time to come".  

...And the crab apple rolled down the hill and knocked down pine cones.

So say "De end" and that's the end.


** She was telling a long long story (this is just the tail end)  staring at her picture all the way home in the rain. She said she was "reading her story".  She was just holding her picture and looking at it and telling a story I really wasn't paying attention to.  After I parked and it was still raining I started listenign and really liked it, so started writing. So this is all verbatum.  I could write about as fast as she was talkign most of the time, because she would pause at exciting bits or repeat occasionally things she liked ( she said the sentence about the princess mice being as big as baby rats about 4 times in a very pleased way).  so rather than put  my words in I just left out  a few sentences when she was going faster.  :)  So its her.

(it was kind of funny, June started to want to "read" her drawing so I handed June her drawing ( one big circle with lines on it.) ANd June said something like " There was a big eye... and it was an eye". Then threw down her drawing and asked for another one.. lol.

plant in rain kiss in the sun

dashing about today was such a fantastic mixed up day. We bought jasmine vines and pink flower to satisfy Marie's lust for that color and for flowers.
Our relationship with pink has been rocky (for me). As a new mom I dreamed of when this squirrely baby would be old enough to wear overalls and frog shirts.  I imaged a blond haired girl in grass stained overalls peering between the fronds stalking bugs and and looking up with vast eyes and cheeks smudged with dirt.  However.... by the time she was speaking in full sentences she was no longer wearing the striped leg warmers and the worn inherited 70's garb my mom so wonderfully gave me. No brown cordaroy trousers and shabby french comic book t-shirts and frayed swiss sweaters.
    By that age, she was twirling her hand lovingly down dresses as we walked through target.
Starting to get upset in the car one day out of the blue because " Mom! I just wish I had a dress all in pink".
me: " um, Marie you do."
me: " you know that dress with the layered ruffles, that one is only pink".
Marie" Oh! " giggles.  " Mom.. I am so happy".

so today June and I bought flowers in the gray weather and started planting them in the rain. She pulled through by not demanding to go in as I dashed around maniacally mixing compost into the dirt going into the hole ( our yard is going through some changes) and muddily doing one after another.   ANd we were all wet and then later racing to get lunch done before going to Marie's OT appointment. The sun came out as I was making lunch. We went to St. Paul. The rain clouds came back. June and I walked down to a little pond by a trailer park full of redwing blackbirds and frogs.

I was just all giddy on the sounds.  chicken noises, spring frog and toad peeper noises and redwing black bird's sounds just boom hit that magic nostalgia, childhood magic button. So I was completely full of bliss walking aroudn the grassy little area of mirk and cat tails aroudn the pond.

June gave me wishing flowers  (the white dandelions) and I would throw them after making wishes.  We made a ton of wishes.

Some of my wishes: that june and marie are friends when they are two grandmas.  That J and M learn to really love each other since it is the best thing in the world to really love people.  That we always live in the same state.  That when baby Benjamin first sees them he laughs ( all the flyers didn't blow off on that one so I told June, " maybe he will be crying").

June's wish:   that I (June) will be a little dog today.
It is good to have generous children.  Since she gave me so many wishes today,  I had to give some of my wishes to her.

what else? then we went to T-ball and Marie went running aroudn all the bases when she wasn't up to bat. started staring at the lines painted on the gym floor (we were inside because it was raining again) adn walking on all the lines around and aroudn the gym while everyone else played T-ball. Which was ok.  Then playing tag with parents, as in tagging the stomach of a rather large mom I have never met before while racing by- saying "tag".  Which was not ok. And, for some reason I was kind of still invested in getting her to play t-ball so I would get her over to the right place at the right time and then leave her and she would just spin away into her own little world.

but... later. In the playroom at the same rec center she just stood and drew with a (pink of course) marker for a straight hour. She drew some cursive e's to show me her new letter. But for the most part drew circles with many  lines through them. About 20 all the same.  They looked a bit like sow bugs.  She drew them on a black grid.  Then she drew a roller coaster. The sow bugs were holes, the roller coaster was what she and June wanted to ride. A very large bear chasing them fell in the holes- so she and June could ride the rollercoaster.

On the way home contemplating her art she told a new very long adn fabulous story - which will be the next post since many people might not enjoy reading it as much as I- and so will be warned of that which they are about to read.

lunes, 25 de abril de 2011

ride yr way home

I decided to go grocery shopping by bike at dusk and it was so much fun.  It is a wonderful bike very slow and heavy. You just kind of sit comfortably back and it feels like the world is moving along with you.  Kind of a boating feel most of the time..

And since its been winter just riding a bike on the sidewalk again took a little bit of mental activity, planning yr bumps and avoiding trashcans and other sidewalk hazards- many little scooters at cross angles at one house. I had my moment of happy duh-ness where life and concepts intermingle.  I was thinking "it's like a video game!" because it was getting dark, and tricky and things kind of pop up at you. and then I was thinking " no, no! this IS what what video games aproximate/ tap into!"  - reaction time, decisions, swervies and leaning and physical skills etc!  Of course... at this point I had upped my biking video game from "easy" level to "medium"  since I had bought a watermelon of course at the store and decided to put it and other sundries in my big front basket.

frontloading!  So I had a nice slushy feeling to how the bike handled and a wee bit of danger feeling. Also, this bike has pedal backwards brakes- and ... that just feels silly to me, so I tend not to brake with this bike ( slow bike not a problem...) I just put my feet down.  drag it, or just quick hop off. Plus it is fun on little downhill curves to kind of lean over and start hopping ( kind of hopping- bike hopping..) on one foot to slow down. Of course I DO stop with the brakes occasionally,  its just somehow not my preferred way of slowing or stopping on this bike. 

Point being- that not stopping factor was in there with my bike ride along with the watermelon... in the dark... whilst playing swervy with yard objects and trash cans etc. in my path.  I was having so much fun, and thinking " no, I am really NOT going to smash my watermelon tonight. woops..... that was a good bump for the groceries..".  kind of stream of conciousness.

After a while I thought of this blog and just wanted to blare out " Go ride a bike tonight!".    That random advice is so in tune with blog format.....

I was thinking about blogging tonight and how my posts tend to fall into categories:
1. Jessamin's random good advice column.  ( tonight's synopis  " hey its fun to ride bikes!".)
2. weirdo wonderfulness of the world, hidden treasures, little moments of wonder, awe, glee, or oddness.  ex: ( "we saw a duck sitting on a car today.  What a chilled out duck."   ( also happened today)
3. Kid news   ( usually under the category of " hey my kids are cute ( share example) or  " They are REALLY difficult (share struggle) or instrumental in changing me as a person. ( philosophic ramble about parenting and humans follows.)
4. or you feel the urge to share info/ educate.  Kind of like #1 friendly advice colummn but with a pedantic slant.  The occasional deep thoughts that must be shared fit in here nicely too.

I  started blogging because I wanted to use it to motivate myself to do new things and write about them.  I had very specific goals. 1. Lose weight and talk about that process and put pictures up of "the same red dress!" (with me in it).  And do new things and take pictures and write about that and kind of have the blog motivate me to do more new things. So I really envisioned the blog as something for me. But, whenever I write it its really to my mom, sisters and few friends first THEN I am also writing for me.  And the writing for me part is just the satisfaction of phrasing or the keeping on going with thoughts.  That part is definately personally fun.  But as a tool to change my life, this little blog morphed away from that pretty quickly.

hmmm- very writerly musings tonight. I was just thinking do we EVER write just for ourselves.  ?  (besides lists! I mean all other longer forms of writing..)

ooh yeah, I should add the random Minnesota bliss of today to top off this mental delectation I am trying to pass along to the world  ;)       Today's offerings: redwing blackbirds burbling, hearing people point out to their children " look there's still some snow" under a pile of dirt and everybody swiveling to look at  ....  manky dirty SNOW!,  hearing Canada geese honk ( yay,  They're back!),  and chatting with neighbors through the fence.

The tulips are tall. I will still expect the random snow storm to fall on daffodils or crocuses, the firsties, but tulips give me faith.  Bird people are making nests.  Frog noises!  Winter is officially over!

And that's something around here.

yippety doo da, yippety ay, my oh my what a wonderful day...   cricket on yr shoulder.

lunes, 18 de abril de 2011

things the children are thinking about

sorry no photos. our camara has gone to the great camara recycling bin in the sky...

JUNE:  (sitting in the back seat after 5 minutes of silence)  " what if.. what if something... as tiny as my fingernail- just floated into the sky ?"   ( me and Marie : " huh ? like what ?"   Junie :  " what if it was... icecream!  REal icecream, and you could EAT it and it just floated down from the sky".       

me - waiting for more conversation about this but.......  All I heard was a satisfied sigh from the back seat as the two children contemplated this thought of little bits of REAL ice cream floating around the world.

MARIE:  Has learned the art of successful negotiation; and the art of talking about - and explaining shades of gray.  

At the park today when we had to go and I told them- 'time to pack it up kids" Marie worked out an acceptable deal to stay longer.  The conditions were : 1. she couldn't go past the big slide ( we were in a huge park and I wanted to see them).  2. and when it was time to go again in 15 minutes they had to both say ok, and come along nicely no asking for more time and no dilly dallying.  So ! the 15 minutes (really half an hour) run out and time to go, and they both say "ok" sweetly then scurry under the slide to play with sand.  ANd I say "come on, remember yr promise to walk off nicely with me," and walk off.  Children remain in sand...  I say "come on, time to go"  a few more times as I am leaving.   Then, come back saying " I am going to pick you up and carry you, this is not the way we should leave the park.."  and  " I am not very happy that you guys did not keep yr promise". 
        I get there. I pick up Marie telling her I am not happy. She says she'll walk now, and when released walks along nicely. June comes when she sees obedient elder sister.   And.... then, Marie starts putting a SPIN on the situation.  Saying," I was looking for my shoes mommy"  ( to explain why she was not originally walking toward me, which was a nice try but lacking in truth and I tell her so..) And then  " well, mama " she starts in rebuttal to my comment that she failed to keep her promise and I am grouchy about that "well, we halfway kept the promise because we did walk nicely."  ( Me- " after I picked you up, so you didnt come nicely I had to get you". ).
Marie- " well, we kept part of our promise since we walked partway!".  
Me :  " That you did".   
Me " I feel less grouchy now'.

and...........  for some reason on the way home we made a little detour and got creampuffs for all.    shhhhhhh....  :)

sábado, 5 de marzo de 2011

Best of the week

Best discovery-  My mom friends ( who are not my deepest soul friends) did not socially drop me because I wrote fiction about sex and athiests.  ( worst discovery: I am a little too paranoid.  My reality is not congruent with how I present to some people....  to be worked on).

Best weather- Today it was warm!  The ice patch we did not tend to on the sidewalk could be cracked by slamming yr bootheel against it and pushing it apart in big chunks. good fun.

Best kid event-  No school for Marie friday for conferences so she got to go to sibley park with her little sister.  They were very joyful to be together the whole morning. They both made paper dinosaurs. June's was multicolored. Marie's was only purple and yellow.  She has a passionate attachment to purple and pink.  I suspect the yellow was a stand in for pink.

Best food all week..:   Pho at the global market when I was really sick.  The sickness was the sauce. I sat in a steamed daze eating this peppery soup and feeling all soggy and soupish myself.  Ears popped as I ate some. June swirled aroudn with energy.  I ate.

Best thing:   Aaron got better. I got better

Best day:  Yesterday.  Girls spent morning together.  I took them to OT. Marie threw up. surprised and sad Marie needed support. I cuddled her and took her home and we watched duck stories.  Then she slept with me in the big bed.  WHy was this the best?  It jsut was.  She felt better, I felt tender over her. June had a good morning, good day.  This was a good day.

Best thing about this very second....     People watching the next table over.The houndstooth checked black and white coat.... and listening to Somali.  

Plans for tommorow give away some of my favorite baby things that I no longer need at a friend's baby shower.  Get up at 6:00 and take a walk to start the day off right. Go over the budget with Aaron. 
Looking forward to all three.

domingo, 27 de febrero de 2011

Writing and stress- a true story.

I had to do work today. A lot of work. Written work online involving a lot of precise requirements that neccesitated shuffling back and forth between pages online containing info and models of the work to be done and my creation. I was doing it. Inch by tedious inch. I started going NUTSY !  It was building up. I would do a segment go outside, stretch and breath feel all of me longingly looking out at the things out there like trees and clouds and people walking by that did not have to go back in and go back to part 11 of 16 of work to be done to finish the project.

I kept on going.  All of my yearning squelched on down, getting worried about time. Getting worried about editing final product, getting worried about earlier parts that might need a second look, worrying about missing some things, getting worried about where some things were that I needed to look at.  My stomach started hurting.  I wrote a quick fb page. " I would rather be working on my blog!"  Then just by writing that- tickling at my brain was a story and a poem and ticklish thoughts that wanted to be made by me. Things like butterflys that said "I'm beautiful and you can look at me or stay inside all day and miss me". So.... I bolted over to my blog. And it was so much fun! just in about 10 minutes wrote 3 random silly posts. 2 poems and a story.  Just write write write. Just poured out. Then, Am I finished ? No more ticklish butterfly thoughts. ok. finished.  ah.  and I felt  SO..... MUCH.... BETTER. 

And coudl get back to work, and did.  But its so interesting that I couldn't feel better by saying " you're doing it. It's coming together ... etc".  But just a random poking a hole in my in my head
(metaphorically ;)  and letting the steam out just made me all ready again. Like a good nap. recharged, feeling quirky like you do in the last tingling grasp of a dream where you are going " nah.. that would be silly.. " but still smiling inside, a genuine good feeling.  Because you were SOMEWHERE ELSE just now.

( I think the caps in this post are left over from my emotional day). And its definately the process not the product.  I do not care very much about the writings two posts down. I didn't even really want to slow down and re-read the when done.  And don't care to re-read, re- write or re-visit them later.  It just shows there are so many ways to refresh.

and... perhaps more importantly it shows you should not resist the creative impulses that seem to be time wasters or to have no point. They get you somewhere. They give you something.

we had a good time (fiction )

"well", she asked me blandly on the first date while I was eyeing her leg non- blandly in the way you do when the conversation has stopped because the food has arrived but you have eaten enough not to still be falling on your food in hunger.  " so what was your childhood like ?"  'We had a good time", I said.

I remembered the day they unpacked my sister from the suitcase. "shhhh" Mumma said giggling.  We unzipped the brown leather suitcase and my little sister giggled again after her silent journey. One by one we had been smuggled into the small apartment that Mumma had rented saying "yes, yes I have only one child and no pets".

After she left and the money ran out, we went to the park to get our water. Being children we were god of growth and magic so every tin can became filled with plants that we watered, and they grew up and sprawled on the balcony and by every window of the apartment.   Sometimes the older couple below us would sneak a look out as my sisters grew bolder and at times went out on the balconies at dusk to water the plants and spill some over the edge to watch it fall.  Our food containers full of plants built up and our friends came over everyday to play video games until the electricity got turned off.

Always the check would arrive barely on time. Past the time when the lights and water were off but before the case of Ramen was finished.  Our mother never came with the money. I was the mother who paid the checks as I had been taught and occasionally fended off the landlady when she called to speak to my mother of whom my concept became increasingly complex as my inner picture of her grew dimmer.  She was so beautiful that in my nightmares the best attributes of her beauty become the most horrible. Her soft hair swung over my mouth and blocked my breath like seaweed.  I imagined her smile in my dreams but then it would fade and she would start to yell "You let your sisters out.  If the little children go out you will all be taken away".  My mother never yelled at me like that in my waking memories of her. My mother sent more letters about delay and she would soon be back.  And she came back a few times to drop off money, and do up my sister's hair and we felt unnaccountably shabby and washed in love. Then she would have to leave back to her job in that other city - which we understood.

The little ones had to hide.  They were not allowed to guy outside or people would find out about them, and we would all be taken away from our Mumma forever.  The little ones were so good at first, staying inside and coloring or playing with my toys. I let them have my favorite toys formerly forbidden to make them stay quiet and content.  Even though they used them in strange ways, stuffing playdough in holes or stacking up CD's  to make small buildings and mountains to walk their little animals over.  As the weeks passed it was harder and harder to keep them inside and so our schedule changed.

At night we could all go out and walk to the park or just roam around the streets to see where each led. The area of our city where we lived was large and impersonal enough that no one noticed the oddness of us. We were becoming such self sufficient children, only used to each other and un -used to adults and other children, that we would lie unhesitatingly in conversations with people in parks. Gradually our schedule arranged itself to avoid all normal day people.  We started sleeping later and later in the day so that we could play and walk outside at night when no one else was around.

Becoming separate from everyone who was one of us was a gradual process. At first my friends came over daily as I reveled in my freedom from school and ability to host marathon video game sessions.  The younger children didn't know how to contact their friends and neither did I so it was always my friends getting lied to that my mother was sleeping at her boyfriend's or late at work.

That changed as the apartment changed.  One day I walked by the school, wanting to enter and knew I would not have anybody over anytime soon.  They had quit coming anyway when we hid and stayed inside during the last period of no electricity since I was ashamed to let them in.

 Before my mother didn't come home the last time my littlest sister died. She did.  Alone that day.  Stretching tall on the chair her bare legs tan beneath her light blue too tight dress.  She stood on her tiptoes and the chair wobbled and she fell.  We found her like that when we came home the patch of sun lying on her leg.  And when we tried to put her in the suitcase to take her out of the apartment one last time -" she doesn't fit anymore" my sister said.

 All that was is gone. There was a whole row of places we all went to after that apartment. And now I am sitting here on this date, so ready to have a good date and fall into that first kiss that might just open like a flower and we will be falling onto the bed; and with all the good will in the world sliding into this woman whose legs attract me. She smiles at me and it seems to be a calculating smile. I know I don't really have much of an idea of who she is but I know she likes me.  It is a random encounter for both of us and we are both beautiful people.   "We had a good time", I say.

** comment- to people who might read this who know me and notice this doesn't quite fit into normal blog routine of chat about June and Marie. I kind of think of this blog as just a place to write anything I want to so there is no theme to my blog at present ! (other than amuse myself). this is like a movie in my head that starts on a date with a cute guy and and a overdressed woman and kind of casual flirtyness between them and she ask a banal question about his childhood as she flirts with him under the table...   and he said says ' we had a good time" as he thinks back to his childhood when the family was abandoned by the mother in a very gradual way and things fell apart but they were utterly free and also had some very good times. ( based on a true story). (so he's saying a simple truth and lying answer because his childhood is just crazy and its just all lie and all truth what he says). 

- so its a mini story of something very long and like half present (like I think of it as a book. but I am not going to write it, and this would be a summary of a big long book-  there's more in there).   The woman and the man are kind of 2 people using eahc other .  Him: Back then in the past he is very pure and kids just struggling to survive and he is a very good kid and in charge of everything- feeding siblings and lying to them about their mom.  And now he is just grown up and just a bit lost  (and good looking.. lol.).  She; just incidental to be part of the scene. to be beautiful and to be like that random date you go on where anything can happen and ;you went " hmmm, what shall I make happen?"  ( in a way like that or depending on the age, situation etc. maybe it wasn't so concious...  ;)

lip poem

the edge of wrist
these lips have kissed
dialogue of sleeve and vein
that is the skin between.

in a muddle

unable to concentrate. unable to finish. do not feel like am on the right course, this muddle breaks through all things that make me up,  like high tide's even advance over the whole beach.

outside of  me,
if my thoughts could be tangible and all of what is me
my entire past and present soul- all the intangible parts
could be visible.

so me represented by everything not face, body, hair, voice......
(the ungroomed version,  the never seen parts)

would that extraordinary muddle be beautiful? like a tangled ball of windblown grasses blown into a circle
or bashed and ground sea glass, whose sharp edges gone changes from trash to something pebblish
and urges the hand down to touch, bring closer for a look.

please let it be so.
let this stress be annealing.

athiest's prayer.

miércoles, 23 de febrero de 2011

Snail trail

Places I went this week....

TOday! up and at em.
to the car!
Today... slipsloppy snow is mush underfoot.  Kinda nice.

To the Minneapolis Institute of the arts:
driving is like a video game- pothole* swerve left. Big chunk of snow blows off pick up passing you. * loose vision for a second.  Can't turn left because street hasn't been cleared. thick pile of snow * drive forward 2 blocks loop back to find the right street, turn left. Loop back
our destination

hello there

up a floor, more to see


whole foods st. paul pretty how they stack the foods.

 snowed in.

sunday: snowed in. wee blizzard started.  wait! Marin's house. we did make it out.
kid's on sleds... walking over. and easiest ( least snow) to walk in the ( empty) street.  
this kid is a snowlover and plays in snow as much as possible. Here seen sitting in her "house" she scooped out.

 Saturday-  Samantha's house. Tutoring her in adding fractions. simplifying fractions. knowing "fraction words" and playing SET.   No pictures to post of course, but her living room is orange with dark trim and the dining room is light blue with dark trim.  A harmonious space.

 Friday- Uptown YWCA
no photos anywhere of this usefull spot and it's lovely orange awning with big white letters saying
" eliminating racism
empowering Women YWCA  "   as good as a cup of coffee to give you a little lift.

If only both things were fait accompli!

Thursday-   Longfellow park rec center  ( open gym)

We played with a big pink ball and a lovely child named Leah.

Wednesday  - Como zoo
We sat in this stinky room for a very very very long time watcing the giraffes tenderly lick the walls with their long, purple tongues.

Junie does not like snow, however she does not mind animal stench and loves giraffes. So, for a thrilling half hour she watched them amble about eating bits of food from bins placed high up on the walls and fence.  For me a " why doesn't this child like sledding?!" ran through my mind more than once.  Actually of the hoofed stock- the kudus were the best. (They are striped antelopeish things with twisted horns.) When we entered their winter barn every single kudu sat, in a very upright kneeling way on a separate black rubber mat.  All the same.  They just sat, looking content on their mats.  No action from the contented Kudus.

domingo, 16 de enero de 2011

The Bears and their housies

The mother bear when she was older than 20,000 days, yes that old, realized her children were goblins. She noticed when they came back to her house for a visit. The large grown children stomped upstairs and crashed the boxes around- until she realized " they are goblins! These are not bears, they are goblins".  But they were good goblins. Good  to their small goblin child and good to their own father and mother bear, so she did not worry.

Many years ago the bear parents were strong and dreamy. They looked at the ground and dreamed of zuchinnis, okra, tomatoes, melons and all kinds of vegetables  they liked to eat and " poof" enormous plants grew to the sky.  Then they  walked deeper into the forest away from the sun until they found the perfect spot.  "oh" sighed mother bear. "Yes, " agreed father bear and they hugged in the forest.  As their children played in the garden the two bears walked together. They drew long straight lines in the earth. " no" said the mother bear. " hmmmm- no " said the father bear. The children darted in and out of the long shadows of the garden plants. The sun was setting. In the woods on their long porch the mother and father bear looked around at the giant house they had dreamed. " Shall we call in the children for supper? " mother bear said.

The children ate fondu with long sticks and slowly chewed carrots and grapes. Very quickly they grew big and soon they were gone. All the bear children went very far away as they explored the world and learned to dream themselves. The oldest bear dreamed herself onto a plane- sat politely sipping tea as it flew her across the ocean. She landed in London and there she stayed in a small house just right for her. Once she dreamed of another bear and she woke up, he was there. He had dreamed of his own bear and it was she. These bears loved to play and drink beer. They were silly bears.

The next oldest bear dreamed in circles and slowly looped away from the house. She dreamed of something she could not see- a feeling of perfect satisfaction. This bear while asleep would dream of cats and teapots and cakes and when she awoke she would find these things clustered all over the house and say  "shoo" and push away the cakes and put away the the teapots. But the best cats would not leave her and stayed to watch her, and the cakes were sweet as the middle bear grew more and more satisfied. She nibbled on a carrot one day and "poof" dreamed her own house. "why not?" she said " I mean I don't love it" but inside her the satisfaction sighed and grew.

The third bear had a desire to always see new things and could not walk in a straight line.  So this bear was always left or right of where she intended to go. One day this bear realized how easy dreaming in a straight way could be. She sat right where she was and dreamed a house. Snow covered it. Somehow it was another bear's house and he invited her in.

The littlest bear dreamed of the ocean.  She opened her eyes and it stretched out in front of her. " How beautiful" she said and took pictures and blew on them to make them shine. She stuck her shining pictures all over her house and smiled at night.  In the morning she blinked and dreamed a family. "Mama!" said the littlest bear. "Mom!" shouted the older bear child. "Hello" said their father. The family paw in paw admired the shining pictures. Then walked to the ocean as the sun set. " How nice", said the third bear. Her children raced away and the mother and father bear sat down in the warm sand.

The four grown bear children's dreams shifted and went everywhere. They dreamed new houses then blinked them away for different houses as their desires shifted. However, the mother and father bear kept their original two dreams. The trees around their house in the woods remained tall and beautiful.
The house remained as perfect as it ever was to them. But they noticed the roof leaked here and there. They noticed the wind had blown down bits and edges at the corners while they had been in the warm center sipping tea and reading stories.  Then, the wind blew a tree branch right through a window. It crashed onto mother bear in her bed.

She growled and cried, and her wounds would not heal. The father bear grew sad and grizzled. From then on, the mother bear ran a small silver bell when she wanted her tea and toast, and the garden shriveled and sank back into the ground.

Now the father had to walk in to town to buy beets and meats and carrots and ingredients for pie. As he rolled the dough a tear or two might fall.  "This is salty" the mother bear would say. " Yes" said the father bear as they ate their pie by the bed.

The children said " Come be with us. There are small houses waiting for you at the end of each of our driveways. "  However, the old bears could not leave their dream. They loved it even though it was no longer as magnificent as when they were young and powerful dreamers. They did not want to leave.

However, the wind continued to whistle into their house.  Hungry wolves smelling their sadness and their meat pies gathered, and paced around the house. Over the years the wolves made a deep track around the house. "Shoo" the father bear would say, flinging a chunk of wood at them.  The hungry wolves would leap on it and it would turn to meat when it touched their mouths.

Fed like this, on bits of meat, the wolves did not storm the house. But ever they paced. The path grew deeper.

Their snarls would wake the dreaming mother. She would set aside her strong tea as sweet smoke coiled around her head to dull the pain. " I hear wolves again!" she would shout.

"shoo" said the father bear. He flung his chunks of wood.

The house started to tip and lean, unbalanced by the movement of displaced earth caused by the wolves deep tracks.

Far away the grown up bear children, none living in the woods, hummed and sang and drove cars and played with their friends and children.  Their dreams were nearly complete, and wrapped around them.

One day a wolf hunter in a black hat found the bit of forest where father and mother bear lived. His eyes gleamed at the sight of all those wolves. He raised his black gun. "Bang, Bang, Bang!" He shot the wolves. Smoke drifted in the silent air. The hunter cut down two trees and made a bridge over the steep moat surrounding the house. "Hello" he said.  The bears let him in and gave him tea.  The hunter stayed. He hunted deer and rabbit and gave the bears meat for their pies.  With no wolves about both the bears were more content. "How did this happen " they mused. "So many wolves...."   The father bear filled in the moat. The mother bear sewed wolfskin rugs.

The hunter walked here and there. " What a beautiful place" said the hunter thinking of the deer leaping away from him that morning. "This place is just right for me" he said. "That is what we said a long time ago" said the bears.  "That is what we still say" murmured the bears.

The bears and the hunter watched a cardinal hop from branch to branch. They smelled the air.

The hunter pulled out a sack of gold and gave it to the bears. " I want to live here someday" said the hunger. The bears' eyes used to looking at each other looked into his. The sun rose and the sun set. The bears walked in the forest and planted flowers and felt as happy as ever they had.

Far away a tear plopped from the littlest bear's eyes as her bear mother ended the story. " Why do things have to end?" she cried. Inside the tears welled up and made her feel powerful. "No!" she cried.