domingo, 31 de octubre de 2010

Halloweeeeeeen !!!!!!

  These two will not trick you, nor will they eat all the treats they come to your door just  excited to see you.  And they know you are so excited too because they are  a***princess!!!!!*****  and a ****cat***.  How silly !
With fancy fingernail polish! and a tail...!

Happy Halloween!  My new favorite holiday. Sayonara New years you've been displaced.

Costume making . wearing. pumpkin carving, and eating, fall leaf playing and many many happy kid grins.  Here's to the once a year goofy, beautiful, weird, in drag, animal rific, glitter friendly, fluffy fantastic, zombie, spiked, fabulous, duct tape happy costume life.  Cheers!!

domingo, 24 de octubre de 2010


If I were of an orthodox religion and living by an old testament I would spend much of my time being thankful. I would be thankful every day about food, water, friends, abilities I possess.  Recently I heard an interview with A.J Jacobs,  author of  The year of living biblically , about his life experiences while writing the book.   The book is written tongue in cheek. Cheekyness is normally the joyful meter in which I live my life.  But that is not what attracted me to this book right now.

This fall is more somber. A friend lost her child, and the weight of that, which rests very lightly on me still presses.  I feel it is a hand on my shoulder telling me that I need to gather wisdom this year to store up for my own times of trouble.

So, out of listening to the author's talk about this cheeky/serious book (which I am going to read )the message I get right now is the interior of my head is light years away from a devout person who believes their "thank you's" to the world resonate and create the world. them power... (powerful feelings at any rate).  Looking at my daily positive/ spiritual practices - I don't thank daily, but I do laugh at something daily.

But humour and death- not compatible. 

Serenity, contentment, depth of love perceived-- perhaps can be on the positive side of the scale when measuring the weight of death. What does that give me ? Back to religion, not so humorous. It's behavorism- rewards and punishments dependent on behavior. A construct-  through which intrinsic human reactions and nature gleams. The rich, soft fabric on the alter holding the sword and drinking cup.

It's also true that the bible is all about death.  The elephant in the biblical room is death- avoiding what our eyes see as death. disintegration. nothingness. loss of love. loss of irreplaceable, non-replicable things.  Well, its not the elephant.  It's very concrete, but I think in modern times, in the US death is not the gateway to religious thinking as much.  It's the sideroom occasionally stepping in... or the exit.  Another gift of power/release from suffering given to believers by religion.  No loss..reunion possibilities.

I don't get that.  I can't be religious.  I can yearn to avoid my own disintegration and to be blessed by seeing old gone faces again.  But I don't get those wishes. I get something different. I get the knowledge that I need to love everyone I love right now.  

As a mother, I am the creator of two of these irreplaceable things. I made them. I remember making them. My body knit them, my brain dreamed about them. Part of me is out in the world walking around, part of my flesh and blood originally and now part of my soul. I hover over them, I delight in their thoughts and push my thoughts on them.

I am not religious.  I do not miss it, nor feel the weight of it. New things are shiny. Old things are cozy but cannot speak as freshly sometimes.  I imagine religion can become so personal- you have said that phrase so many times, you only attune with what resonates to you- that it does lose meaning for some.   On the other side, as a non- religious person religion can be a vast bulky inaccessible object.  Read a passage of the bible and it might clonk- no other thoughts to string it up and let it be seen in a certain light.  My ideas about religion right now are I still do not need a belief system to replace mine. But I need to dwell a while in the land of the thinkers about life and death. Not forever, but I have avoided thinking about it all my life and was afraid.

Of course these thinkers are everywhere,  not only in churches.  Goya painting his house with devouring monsters...

I think now before my body becomes a trap, which is one way we often end life  -I want to think about life and death.  Right now. And... as I think about it -for me - death is nothing. It's all about life.  I take deep satisfaction in realizing how strongly I believe that.  I can fear or not fear death but I know what I want to live for.  So, no need to think about death so much after all, but much need to think about life. I used to be afraid of death.  I do not wish for it now, but I am not as afraid. why? because now I have more fear for my children and their suffering than of death ?  I think maybe...What is that all about?  What are we?

Today, I am joyful to have gotten a gleam of gold from religion. Much as bits of religion distress and annoy me I want to wrap myself in the gold of what is life refined by people thinking about what makes life worth the suffering.  Thankfulness is that velvet for me today.

A day of thankfullness:  I am thankful for  many things; but I do not say "thank you" for the clean glass of water. And "thank you" again as I open my door onto sunny weather and tomatoes ready for picking. And I do not say "thank you" as my daughter's clear face turns to me as dear to me as anything I own. I think of yesterday from morning to night...

You know, I would spend the whole day saying " thank you".  Isn't that a realization?  When I know that yesterday I grumbled quite a bit- when I stubbed my toe, when I had to take the dog out, when my daughter's small face -as dear to me as anything I own- turned toward me in the middle of the night and said " mommy, it's morning time". and I said " no, It's still night. Let's go back to bed".

Rain on the window pane. A bus goes by. Red and yellow lights seen through rain.

I am thankful... I married my good friend Aaron. I gave birth to Marie. I am thankful my daughters are healthy. I am thankful my parents are alive. I am thankful I am doing this list right now. I am thankful for all the books I have read.  I am thankful for the luck of my birth not putting obstacles upon me that crushed me as part of my life.  I am thankful I have friends. I am thankful I am not angry and have learned to understand myself better. I am thankful to be in this moment open as a cup.

**I could end here, but nope, when something is pretty it is not necesarily done. Not if it is a thought.  This writing here is not an art. This has no intention of accomplishing anything but looping around and around until it stops all by itself because new thoughts are finished.

Thankfulness, what is it? It allows suffering.  What if I were my mom?  Stuck in bed with a broken back that will not mend. Knives poised at my heart and liver- for real not Shakespearian metaphors for danger and words that sound nice poised at different points of the body.

I would still be thankful I think.  Thankful for the trees outside, for my dear husband who takes care of me everyday. Every day.  For my 4 daughters walking calmly in the world and having children of their own.

sábado, 23 de octubre de 2010

parental yoga

 * "real yoga" 

watching child twist-
As one child races ahead on the sidewalk and the other lingers to pick berries.....Turn to look at lingering child while leaving feet facing forward.  Feel the twist gently along the spine and in the oblique muscles.  Walk a few steps forward as first child continues her joyful run, turn the other way and pause feeling the twist as you look at lingering child.  End watching child by telling leading child to go play on the rock at the end of the path and run no further- enjoy a gentle trot to go scoop up dallying berry picking child.  This exercise also can end by having a few moments of calm meditation looking at leaves whilst waiting for the berry child to finish filling pockets and join waiting sister and mom.

Forward fold *-
while picking up myriad small toys take each bend down slowly and linger in forward fold.

tadpole *- Lying on yr back bring feet together, knees v out. touch soles of feet together. Same with hands above head. Gently twist right and left. This exercise was actually from a book on yoga safe to do while pregnant and felt awesome throughout pregnancy. If you are not a pregnant citizen you can still engage in this relaxing pose and enjoy teaching it to children.  They have fun pretending to be tadpoles and can graduate to frog status at their own rate while you enjoy a nice relaxing wiggle. This exercise has the benefit of you will not be urged to hop around if you do not desire to do so because you can explain you are still a tadpole.

modified tree-  Get yr roots firmly planted. pick up child raise yr giggling fruit up high.  Feel balanced and strong. Hold child as long as you feel balanced and "just right".  This exercise works better with compact children.

Post inspired by our morning walk to the Y this Friday. Marie ran ahead, June picked berries behind.  As I turned to watch June then back to watch Marie I felt a very nice twisty stretch in my back and side.  It felt good to walk a few steps and then thoughtfully do a nice long twist stretching in different minute ways by moving feet or arms to pull more to opposite side.

lunes, 11 de octubre de 2010

a boring post

I feel overwhelmed. I would not read this post. It would be boring, but writing it feels good.

I need to organize:
sign up for my praxis II test ( a teaching test). I needed to do this last year and didn't.
finish the 2 needed classes for student teaching next fall.
Organize my body of work for presentation to my student advisor prior to student teaching.
Study for the Praxis II
our office- is a pile of my old papers. not school papers neccessarily- just dates written down, interesting things- festivals- bills- school papers- info from SH.

My ideal filing system would be clear plastic cubes all over the wall. when I put things away in filing cabinets ( or in a file on the computer- same thing) I lose track of it. I "need" things to be kind of out in the open (desktop on the computer) real desktop on home.

This worries me.

and then there's me. I have been eating tons of food that is bad for me. (cow milk products and salty junkfood). I just learned that salt hardens arteries within half an hour of eating salty things. I read the article thinking of my mom and dad initially- then for myself, it was interesting. salt and no exercise hardens them up nicely. and there is a difference between level of exercise for men and women. sadly.. older women need to really get their heart rate up to start softening arteries- older men can lower just by adding daily walks.

I feel like maybe having kids kind of organized me for a few years and now that they are older I lost my other focuses. They don't need the real work of babies and toddlers anymore so I have more free energy and time. But I'm not really sure who I am where I am focused..

I think today my emotions are ruling everything else because part of me can see its just like cleaning a messy room. Pick up one thing at a time. Like start walking a few miles every morning and my bad sleeping and eating habits will get better. SO, I just convinced myself. I think I will do an AM walk everyday for a month. That will be only goal. Because I know it will clear my head and help me organize at the same time as calming and organizing my body.

I feel vast frustration. Humans feel it. I remember with the little babies thinking " why are they crying? what's wrong, even that young?"

I need to read Paul Farmer's bio again. Actually make that read some better books- cut off the brain candy, feed it more. Bike more. And do more of the right choices. Just like I tell Marie. I have right and wrong choices to make throughout the day as well.

A dream I have never had asleep. Inside yr brain it's a huge organized cathedral with light filtering down from high windows. The floor is big blocks of stone. You can find delight in that place. You just walk in slowly and its very satisfying. That is the dream/memory.

Another dream I had in the Arizona desert walking one day 2nd college summer. A huge wooden desk with the sun hitting it and a paperweight was a white marbled desert stone. like a movie scene.

Aesthetics part of my dilemna?? Is there more beauty in my imagination than around me? Do I need more beauty now? I never did before. I revel in mess a bit. cozy. What is happening to me.
besides the aesthetic I seem to like involves vastness and perpetual sunlight.  I don't think my house even with all surfaces clean can reach that giant sigh of contentment and stopping point.

Too much time. I can say all the answers but not feel them. right now I wish I had a quote. the one on my blog main page sums up naval gazing. To paraphrase " musing on the positive ( beloved ones/ beautiful things is like a telescope magnifying delight tenfold , dwelling on the negative does the same thing in equal parts sadness, misery and uglyness). But, like death makes life richer by letting you see how beautiful the day is-  you can't have one without the other. ANd the bad things and dying and suffering --don't produce happiness just give you a better idea of what happiness is.

Paul Farmer. I mean it. I have never had a hero before in my life. And everything I read about him is agreeable. his nerdy wordyness, his methods of getting things done, his non-cynicism. His growing up harum scarum in rural areas and not fitting in. The brain to to do it.

I want to be me. But I relax in seeing my ideal of a person being real. If I were different it might be a different person who would do it for me.

Time to do class work when I want to just walk for a few hours or rake the leaves.  I feel like not thinking being outside a lot is what I need.  OK. this was really a personal post that I do not mind being on my blog.  I like that.

viernes, 8 de octubre de 2010

beautiful day. beautiful marie and Junie. a few photos

smiling sisters share similar fashion aesthetic holding hands at seven thirty in the morning

proud and pretty

eking out the tomato harvest

                      Grabbed the camera this morning.  The following photos are all today. (Friday 10-08-10).
Junie watches dancers at the Walker sculpture garden

and minneapolis continues to rock it

roaming the ivied hall

small child in dwelling

looking like a future metal bottle model

light and water on the spoon create spray (rainbow on the other side). morning delight

peekaboo in the giant lincon log-esque house

Junie is not ready to go. and stages a sit in

cuteness wins over mom.

later in our day at the OT's, one fringe benefit of Marie's therapy- Junie gets her jump out

Light all over us. I was driving unsafely because I was taking pictures of the trees while I drove down Mississippi river boulevard.  I love being with Junie these long rich fall days.  We have gotten closer these last few weeks since Marie started school full day.  Today though, I missed hanging out with Marie.  We are definately less connected than in summer.  She can be so exasperating it scared me a bit that I might not love her with the fullest intensity.  Note to self have those special moments of giggle and light in the back of the eyes with Marie on weekends.  !

This weekend we have a full plate.  Friday serenity has crept all over the house. It's 9:00 and me and Aaron are having dinner #2 before doing "something" together.

Saturday is an eco arts festival in Mears park which we might or might not make.  It sounds lovely just in case any of my mom friends read this blog.  Tons of dancers and music groups.  ( 12:30- 5:00).  At 3:00 we are babysitting round faced Shiya - a Marie and June friend.  And..  I have a date with some other future teachers sat to see "Waiting for Superman" and have drinks afterward.  Free... lucky me.  (I won a wee contest).

Sunday we have to clean because our house is geological.  and...........  the big day has finally arrived. We will test the water in Marie's new fish tank and add fish.  Good times.

hi mom! love you :)