lunes, 11 de octubre de 2010

a boring post

I feel overwhelmed. I would not read this post. It would be boring, but writing it feels good.

I need to organize:
sign up for my praxis II test ( a teaching test). I needed to do this last year and didn't.
finish the 2 needed classes for student teaching next fall.
Organize my body of work for presentation to my student advisor prior to student teaching.
Study for the Praxis II
our office- is a pile of my old papers. not school papers neccessarily- just dates written down, interesting things- festivals- bills- school papers- info from SH.

My ideal filing system would be clear plastic cubes all over the wall. when I put things away in filing cabinets ( or in a file on the computer- same thing) I lose track of it. I "need" things to be kind of out in the open (desktop on the computer) real desktop on home.

This worries me.

and then there's me. I have been eating tons of food that is bad for me. (cow milk products and salty junkfood). I just learned that salt hardens arteries within half an hour of eating salty things. I read the article thinking of my mom and dad initially- then for myself, it was interesting. salt and no exercise hardens them up nicely. and there is a difference between level of exercise for men and women. sadly.. older women need to really get their heart rate up to start softening arteries- older men can lower just by adding daily walks.

I feel like maybe having kids kind of organized me for a few years and now that they are older I lost my other focuses. They don't need the real work of babies and toddlers anymore so I have more free energy and time. But I'm not really sure who I am where I am focused..

I think today my emotions are ruling everything else because part of me can see its just like cleaning a messy room. Pick up one thing at a time. Like start walking a few miles every morning and my bad sleeping and eating habits will get better. SO, I just convinced myself. I think I will do an AM walk everyday for a month. That will be only goal. Because I know it will clear my head and help me organize at the same time as calming and organizing my body.

I feel vast frustration. Humans feel it. I remember with the little babies thinking " why are they crying? what's wrong, even that young?"

I need to read Paul Farmer's bio again. Actually make that read some better books- cut off the brain candy, feed it more. Bike more. And do more of the right choices. Just like I tell Marie. I have right and wrong choices to make throughout the day as well.

A dream I have never had asleep. Inside yr brain it's a huge organized cathedral with light filtering down from high windows. The floor is big blocks of stone. You can find delight in that place. You just walk in slowly and its very satisfying. That is the dream/memory.

Another dream I had in the Arizona desert walking one day 2nd college summer. A huge wooden desk with the sun hitting it and a paperweight was a white marbled desert stone. like a movie scene.

Aesthetics part of my dilemna?? Is there more beauty in my imagination than around me? Do I need more beauty now? I never did before. I revel in mess a bit. cozy. What is happening to me.
besides the aesthetic I seem to like involves vastness and perpetual sunlight.  I don't think my house even with all surfaces clean can reach that giant sigh of contentment and stopping point.

Too much time. I can say all the answers but not feel them. right now I wish I had a quote. the one on my blog main page sums up naval gazing. To paraphrase " musing on the positive ( beloved ones/ beautiful things is like a telescope magnifying delight tenfold , dwelling on the negative does the same thing in equal parts sadness, misery and uglyness). But, like death makes life richer by letting you see how beautiful the day is-  you can't have one without the other. ANd the bad things and dying and suffering --don't produce happiness just give you a better idea of what happiness is.

Paul Farmer. I mean it. I have never had a hero before in my life. And everything I read about him is agreeable. his nerdy wordyness, his methods of getting things done, his non-cynicism. His growing up harum scarum in rural areas and not fitting in. The brain to to do it.

I want to be me. But I relax in seeing my ideal of a person being real. If I were different it might be a different person who would do it for me.

Time to do class work when I want to just walk for a few hours or rake the leaves.  I feel like not thinking being outside a lot is what I need.  OK. this was really a personal post that I do not mind being on my blog.  I like that.

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